Time passed after our unexpected move to Greensboro, and we developed a routine. Though I still wasn’t happy I put on a brave face and let myself exist in the new life. I didn’t have the strength to constantly fight the circumstances and I knew it was pointless to do so, but I didn’t accept them either. I guess it’s kind of like a prisoner – he can’t change where he is, but he doesn’t have to like it, either. So he develops a routine to survive and turns his anger elsewhere (fellow inmates, guards, himself, etc.). Of course, the truth was that I was only a prisoner to myself. If I had chosen to accept what God had for me rather than be offended by Him I would’ve have been released from my self-made prison. Instead I remained angry with Him. I wanted the circumstances of my life to go according to my terms, and what I thought was best for me.
It wasn’t all bad. There were good times and at times I felt pretty close to God (though never fully connected to Him). I had boarded the spiritual roller coaster, and I was in for one very bumpy ride!
I got pregnant with our second child, Todd, and things improved for a while. When Korrynn (our first child) was born I ended up needing a C-section because the cord was wrapped around her neck three times with only four inches left to the placenta. The surgery potentially saved both of our lives – she most likely would have strangled and I may have hemorrhaged. While I understood the circumstances of why I had the surgery and was grateful that we were both alive and healthy, I still didn’t like it. I felt God could have removed the complications, but didn’t. Even so, in time I accepted it. However, I believe that a natural birth is best. In all of my pregnancies it has been the desire of my heart. So, while I was pregnant with Todd I prayed, believed, confessed tons of scripture on a nearly daily basis, had other people praying and believing with me, and had faith that I would be able to deliver Todd naturally. I felt the closest to God that I had felt in some time. I felt I was doing everything the Word said I should do to see my desire fulfilled. But, even though I went into labor on my own, Todd started showing signs of distress, and I ended up having another C-section – another offense.
I know that the most important thing is that we are both alive and healthy, and again I was grateful for that. However I was devastated by the rest. I was confused, hurt, and turned upside down. I didn’t get it. I had tried so hard to delight myself in God. Psalm 37:4 says to delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. I thought it was pretty straightforward – if I did this, then He would do that. But He didn’t…
(To be continued...)
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