At one point after I started hearing from God again, I was dealing with some difficult issues with Korrynn that brought out some things in me that frightened me. I was reminded of Psalm 127:3 that says that children are a blessing from God. I told God that it was a double-edged blessing. He showed me that I was very willing to accept the nice parts of His blessings, but not the difficult parts. He showed me that blessings are not always pleasant, and sometimes trials are actually blessings because they allow things to be brought to the surface so they can be dealt with and we can become more Christ-like. (This discussion reminded me of a few scriptures: Philippians 4:12-13, I Thessalonians 5:18, I Peter 1:6-7, James 1:2-4.) So I began to accept the circumstances and be grateful for both sides of the blessings in my life, though I still didn’t like them very much.
The time for Sadey to be born was drawing ever closer, and I was again believing God for a natural delivery for her. This time, though, I was more willing to accept whatever God had for me. Again her birth didn’t happen as I had hoped, but this time I was able to trust God anyway. I still don’t understand it, and it still hurts, but I accepted it this time. Something Chrysostom said in reference to Abraham when God told him to sacrifice Isaac (not that I feel that my situation really comes close to Abraham’s – he had a lot more to lose) sums up my feelings pretty well: “The things of God seemed to fight against the things of God, and faith fought with faith, and the commandment fought with the promise.”
I’m typically a person that wants to know the reasons behind everything. I’m always analyzing everyone and everything around me (just ask Shawn). I want everything to make sense (according to my terms of what does or doesn’t make sense). I want to be able to come up with solutions to everything that I consider problematic. This means I have a hard time processing hurt and disappointment. I need someone or something to blame, because otherwise things just don’t make sense to me. I don’t know what to do with disappointment, so I usually let it turn into anger. This time, however, I was able to accept the outcome that I had previously deemed unacceptable. I chose not to blame God. I chose not to ask “Why?”. I chose not to be offended.
(To be continued...)