Learning to Live a God Story

I can’t believe it’s almost here. Two more days… Two more days. It’s been difficult to watch my life be packed away, one box at a time. Rooms that were once filled are now emptied caverns, echoing with the memories of days past. A simple sign placed in the yard, "For Sale", the signal to all that we're living in someone else's home. And now the tears that have been held back for months fall – warm, wet kisses on my cheeks.

The purging and packing has been good for us. We’ve reduced the quantity of extra baggage, unneeded things, parts of our lives that once were, but are no longer. I had a four-drawer file cabinet that was completely full that I was able to reduce to one file box. Ten years ago it seemed necessary to keep every article I had photocopied for grad school research papers. Ten years… really? I’m not sure what’s worse, that it’s been 10 years, or that I held onto that stuff, that clutter, that chaos, those space bandits, for 10 years.

A new life will begin soon; one that, frankly, scares me. We will be living in a new place. A place largely unfamiliar. Once again we must change our address and go through the rigors of procuring a new church home, doctors, a dentist, an optometrist, library cards, places to shop for healthy, wholesome foods, IEPs, advocates, therapists... The list seems as long as a country road.

We will be consolidating from a wonderful, spacious house to two bedrooms, one bath, a living area, spare room, and kitchenette in a finished basement. A sacrifice for the future. A way to ease the transition. A temporary stop on a journey to our new home. For a (hopefully short) time we will no longer be living autonomously, but will be sharing space at the charity of my in-laws. I am so grateful for their generosity in this, but I now realize how I’ve taken our house and this little community for granted. I know now that I haven’t truly appreciated it, haven’t truly been thankful for the gracious gift from our Father. And, I wasn’t done with it… I had plans – plans for a wonderful garden, beautiful renovations, needed improvements. But God has said, “Not now. Not here.” I am so thankful for the time He has given us here, for His provision, for the memories made here. So it is with gratitude that I will move on.

Honestly, though, there is some trepidation about sharing space, living in someone else’s house. Our personalities have been known to clash – a human grappling for control that often seems so necessary in the moment, but in reality is an attempt to usurp God’s authority, to live our own stories rather than His story. I recently heard Todd Nighswonger of Cornerstone Community Church in Simi Valley, CA say, “The greatest way to be shaped by the renewing of your mind…is living among people that you don’t get along with well.” I know God will work through these relationships to strengthen all of us and to make us more like Him.

But, what scares me most? Daily life without my husband for 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. I love, and I have taken advantage of him working from home for the last couple of years. To have his presence, his stability, his help at home has been such an amazing blessing. That he will be traveling four hours a day is unnerving. So much could happen. I long for his safety. To spend those twelve hours a day while taking care of the kids and the home, while homeschooling our three children is terrifying. Yes, I know many women do it daily, but just like everyone else, I am myself with my unique challenges. I know how poorly I’ve handled his occasional absences in the past, and now he will be away from home more than he is at home, during the waking hours at least. He’ll be gone 60 hours a week, asleep for 56, leaving 52 hours out of 168 to be with us. I know how I have handled things in the past, and I don’t want to continue with that conduct in the future.

But this new venture is not without hope. God has told me, “Fear not. Only have faith.” He has said that this is an opportunity to learn to rely on Him as I never have before, to learn how to stand on my knees. Frank Bishoff, the pastor at the church we’ve been attending for the last few weeks, Awaken City Church (another refreshing stop on a long journey), spoke a couple of weeks ago about living out of a revelation of how much Jesus loves us rather than striving to live a godly life because of how much we love Jesus. Sound simple? What’s the difference? Really it’s a profound, life-changing difference. If you live out of a revelation of His love for you, you will have true freedom and your love for Him will be effortless. In my own life I have struggled with God’s love for me, and have striven to live a godly life out of my own strength, out of my finite love. I want to learn how to let His infinite love become the foundation and strength of my love for Him. I want to walk in the revelation of how much God loves me. I have recently come across Ann Voskamp’s blog A Holy Experience, and book, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. Already I am approaching this move with a different attitude than I would have in the past. Both, Frank’s sermon, and Ann’s testimony, have convicted me that I need to begin keeping a gratitude journal in which I write down thanks to God for all the ways He shows me that He loves me.

I love it when God speaks the same thing to me over and over again from several different channels. Perhaps I’m too dense to listen at first so that He needs to repeat things to me until I start to pay attention, but I love the sound of the echo of His voice in the voices of His children. The Bible says that His voice is like the sound of many rushing waters. You know the sound of a large crowd saying the same thing in unison? That is like the sound of His voice. We, His children, are His voice in the earth, speaking together as with one voice as the Spirit directs.

So, I have heard His voice, and I am taking to heart the love message delivered. I have begun my gratitude journal. Even now I can feel my attitude changing. I am little by little seeing things from the positive, beautiful angle. My tendency is toward pessimism. But I’m learning to see through the lens of the half-full glass. Again, it seems so simple. But really, it is so very profound.

I have no doubt that I will encounter many difficulties as we move and take residence in our new life. Yet, I know that with God all things are possible. I know that His plans are to give me a hope and a future, and to prosper me in all areas of my life. I know He has many things for me to learn, many ways for me to grow, many ways for me to change. I know He is preparing us for an amazing future and a wonderful present. To quote Master Oogway, “The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift – that’s why they call it ‘the present.’” I’m finally learning how to be content with what God has given me now instead of focusing on the things I do not have or betting on a future that I assume will be better. I am learning to truly accept everything life brings me, both “the good” and “the bad”, knowing that what we assume to be good is not always good, nor is what we assume to be bad always indeed bad. Often the blessings of God are a double-edged sword and the goodness does not always reveal itself at first glance. We have to search out the true good. We have to learn to hone our focus and filter out the superfluity of distractions the enemy of our souls throws along the path to trip us up.

So why is God doing this for me? So my life can be more blessed? So I can be happier? No! It’s so I can become a better teller of His story with my life. The blessings and happiness are side effects to His grace working and moving in my life. I can read tons of books, listen to sermons and worship music 24 hours a day, seven days a weeks, 365 days a year, and never really change. Change must come from within, through the inner workings of the Holy Spirit from my heart, into my thoughts, and out through my life, my hands, my feet, my mouth. Now, I gladly take His hand and walk with Him along this path on this phase of my life’s journey, the journey of transforming my life into a God story.

In Sight of Beauty

Dear Father,

You messed up my plans this morning. My first plan was to sleep. I have a big day ahead of me, a day in which I must have strength, energy, and alertness. But, at 4:00 this morning I was awakened for no apparent reason. Though I tried to return to sleep, it has been evasive. I must now rely on You, Dear Father, for the physical, mental, and spiritual strength to carry on today.

When sleep eluded me, I decided to research some of the things I've learned in the past two days, things that will have a profound impact on my family. Instead, you lead me here, and I wept. I confessed. I repented. I prayed.

You stirred up the desire within to hear Beethoven's "Moonlight Sanata". I listened, and I wept. I was convicted, my heart caught in the web of your gentle grace and love.

I have avoided You of late. For that my heart is in sorrow. It is to You alone I must cling, in You alone I must hope, for You alone I must live. Yet in recent months it is myself for which I have lived. I have allowed my vulnerability to be hidden, my heart to be masked by a lack of discipline. I have confessed and repented over and over again, yet closeness has remained elusive, and I have been at a loss as to why. But this morning You gently chastise and show that there is no one thing or time that was the beginning of the slipping. I simply allowed myself to be lead away and enticed by the lack of discipline that so easily entangles. I have drifted away from You on a sea of distractions, deceptions, and misplaced priorities.

The husband You placed in my arms, for whom I have been ungrateful, of whom I have taken advantage is now awake. It is now time to remove the ear buds and allow myself to be surrounded by the haunting melody, my entire being embraced by the music, my heart enchanted by Your grace and mercy. Let it wash and refresh me as it carries the Blood of Forgiveness to my heart. Now the Hand of Your Spirit gently scrubs away the filth, the death, the sin, and resurrects me once again.

I'm sorry I allowed myself to drift away from You. It wasn't fully intentional, but in honesty I must also admit that neither was it entirely unintentional. I became afraid of the closeness and allowed myself to take one step backward, then another and another. My eyes were still set on You at first, but somehow, without even being fully aware of what I was doing, I turned aside. Not 180 degrees away. I had allowed my course to become parallel to Yours, and I could still hear Your voice giving direction, yet my course was no longer Yours--not really. I continue to receive Your confirmations that, again by Your grace alone, the big decisions made in the last few months have been the right decisions. But I don't want to walk in these new adventures without holding Your hand, without feeling Your heartbeat, without hearing Your breath.

Bring me back to the closeness with You I once knew, and even beyond. Let me ever be diligent and alert to my missteps. Forgive me for allowing myself to be so undisciplined and for taking You, and those You have placed in my life, for granted. Thank You for leading me in spite of myself. Thank You for giving me exactly what and who I need in my life. Thank You for graciously loving me despite my ingratitude and complacency. Thank You for the path of conviction and repentance that lead to righteousness. Thank You for showing me how to slow down this morning and breathe in the intimate details of life. Let me ever live in the sight of Your grace, in the sight of Your live, in the sight of Your beauty.

It is in the Name of

Your beloved Son, Jesus Christ, that I humbly and boldly ask these things.
Amen.

Sunday Morning Musings

If any of you follow me regularly at all you've probably noticed that I don't post nearly as regularly as I used to. There are several reasons for that, some of them might even be considered good reasons. As with most people, time is a premium commodity in my life. Sometimes I simply have too much going on to take the time to lay down and write a blog post. (I say "lay down" because I'm usually laying in bed with my laptop when I blog. Heehee!) I am not someone that can crank out a post in 15-20 minutes. No, I'm a perfectionist, so it usually takes me an hour minimum because I have to reread it several times until I'm satisfied that it's right. Perhaps I should allow the ocassionul mestak so y'all can see that I really am human, and not a robot. But then it will eat at me until I fix it, so I think I'd rather not do that.

Another "reason" ("excuse" is probably a better word) is that sometimes I don't feel like going to all that trouble. I really feel that I need to take the time to organize the blog better, put ads up of companies I actually support rather than allow the random Google rabble, put up pictures, make it look better, etc. I'm not very good with delayed gratification, so it can take a monumental effort for me to do something I don't feel like doing. Yes, I know, it's stupid and undisciplined. Like I said, not everything in this list could be considered a good reason.

Probably the main reason, and really not a good one at all, is that I've given in to discouragement regarding the blog. The response has been smaller than I'd hoped, I haven't followed through with all the plans I've made through the blog, and I listened to whispers that said, "Who am I to be writing spiritual lessons?" However, after a surprise word of encouragement from my neighbor last night, I felt convicted. She told me that I have a voice, and that my blog has ministered to her on several occasions. She reminded me that even if the response is small I only need to touch one life, and I have touched hers. I was humbled, thankful, and did I mention convicted? After Todd crawled into our bed and woke me up at 5:00 this morning, I realized that I was wide awake, and that once again I would not be going back to sleep. So in trying to decide what to do with my time I thought about the blog and what my neighbor had said. God reminded me, "Despise not the day of small beginnings." I did mention before that I felt convicted, right? Well, God had laid the double whammy on me, so I decided to blog this morning, and I made another decision: I need to treat this as a job, even if it never pays. Before I sift through facebook posts or read a bunch of informational articles, as much as possible, I need to spend some time every day building up my blog, even if I don't post anything. My tendency is to think, "I'll do ______ first. It won't take me very long." (Fill in the blank with some form of procrastination, be it facebook, or email, or read a blog or an article or two, etc., etc.) Of course I end up losing track of time, and before I know it I'll have wasted an hour or more. (What was that I said about not having enough time? Oops!) So this will be an exercise in discipline. I had lost sight of the fact that it was with God's leading that I started this blog, so for me to neglect it equates to disobedience. So with prayer and humility, I will start blogging regularly again. Probably not everyday, and maybe only once a week at first, especially while we are in the middle of moving, but regularly just the same.

Change: Transition from Something

Wow! There's been so much going on in the Stevens household since last September! I'm homeschooling for the first time and trying to adjust to that life. We're trying to change the way we eat and be more conscientious for our part in stewarding the beautiful planet God has given us. We are changing the way we steward God's financial provision and we are paying off our debts. In October our washing machine flooded, and we've been trying to put the house back in order ever since. Since December we have been praying about our church home, and this spring decided it was time to find a new home. And last week we found out that in less than three months time my husband will begin a new position in Washington, DC, so we will be moving to Northern Virginia in June.

Apparently in our lives it is the season of transition. Two of nature's seasons are transitional, spring and fall. One is the transition from rest to growth. The other is the transition from growth to rest. Spring is the season for new things. Fall is the season for harvest. I think for this time of transition in our lives we're experiencing spring. A lot of new things are being introduced. New seeds have been planted. We are being pruned. The dead growth is being removed from our lives to make way for new growth, to make way for a bountiful harvest.

Changing churches... A ridiculous notion in many parts of the world. In nations of persecution there may be one Bible-believing and professing church in a community if there's one at all. Yet here in America there is such an over-abundance of churches that we can pick and choose like changing your favorite restaurant. Is it a blessing that there are so many churches in America? I don't know. I think instead of the existence of a multitude of churches, and the existing churches growing and growing and growing, new churches should be planted in areas of the world where there is little knowledge of the Gospel so the Kingdom of God can be established throughout the earth. I am willing to go wherever in the world God wants to send me. Unfortunately, I haven't lived that way in the past, so I have to follow through with the consequences of past mistakes so that I am available to go in the future.

I also believe that instead of moving from church to church it's important to find a church home and be planted there. Yet here I find myself in a situation where we were no longer prospering (I'm not referring to finances) in the church we had called home for seven years. We didn't leave because we were offended or because other people who were close to us have left. If either of those things were the case we would have left a long time ago. It was an agonizing and heart-wrenching decision to leave. But we felt we have grown as much as we can within the four walls of our church. We have become root bound. We need more room to grow. We know God wants us in a church that actively involves its congregation in direct community outreach and missions. Our former home did some financial outreach, but as I've said before my heart's desire is to see and touch and smell and talk to the people I'm ministering to. I want to actively obey the Great Commission, but I'm not very good at it on my own. I need people around me that will go with me. That just wasn't the culture of my former home. I continue to pray that one day it will be the culture there. I want nothing but blessings for them. They are still my family and that will never change. The relationships there are precious.

So it was with tears that we left, not tears of anger, but tears of sadness and desire. God reminded me that those who sow with tears will reap with joy. We're sowing a new direction. We're sowing obedience to God's will for our lives. However, we need to find a new home in which to be planted. We've tried a few different places, but nowhere to call home yet. It will be wonderful to put down roots again, even if only for a few weeks until we move to Northern Virginia. I wish the timing to leave the church had coincided better with the timing to leave the Triad, but that simply wasn't God's timing for us. I can't begin to understand why He did it this way, but I trust Him and I follow Him.

And so I follow, too, to Northern Virginia. There's so much we'll be leaving behind: family, friends, our home, our garden. We've worked hard to get the services we have for Todd and Sadey. Now we'll have to find new ones. I've worked hard to find sources for good, sustainable food for us here, too. Now the search begins anew. We have to find new, good health care providers, something else that hasn't been easy to obtain. We also have to leave behind the luxury of having Shawn work from home and his short commute when he goes to the office. And I'll have to find a new homeschool association.

But I know a fresh start will be good for us. God has already blessed us with many connections in Northern Virginia. Shawn's family is there. We have many friends up there, and most of them have kids the same ages as ours. I already have leads on good food sources through my friends who live in the area. Shawn's parents even have a house we can move into for now. Shawn will no longer have to travel out of town, and there is a gym at the office in DC. We'll see an immediate pay increase and Shawn will be eligible for a promotion when it is offered that he'll never be eligible for here. We will finally be able to see real progress in paying off our debts. Shawn will be able to make good network connections through the contacts he will make in DC. And I may be able to take part of the garden with us, too. We've even visited a church we like a lot and may be our NOVA church home.

Last summer when we were visiting Shawn's family in NOVA (Northern Virginia), we were able to make some strong connections up there with old and new friends. Since Shawn works for the Federal Government, there has always been the possibility that we would live there someday. Last summer, I began to wonder if God would soon be opening that door for us, one He had kept closed for several years. Then when the washing machine flooded in October, the mess that was created was really a blessing. With the insurance money we received we were able to make some much needed upgrades to the house, which will make it easier to sell, and we'll be able to get more money out of it. Thus through the sell of our house we may be able to take a big chunk out of our debts. Other pieces both here and in NOVA began to fall into place, and then we got the call last week that Shawn got the position.

We are definitely moving in faith. We have to pay for the move and we can't sell our house to the government. We have to sell or rent it on our own. We are blessed to have a friend who is a great realtor. When we bought the house we were able to take advantage of the First-time Home Buyers Tax Credit. But we have only lived in the house for two years, not three, so we may have to pay it back. But we know that the Federal Government is not our source. It is simply the vessel through which God's provision flows to us. We are open to receive provision from other vessels. God knows of what we need. He will supply all our needs according to His riches and glory. We live in the economy of His Kingdom, not the world's economy.

I gladly follow Him as He transitions us from something old to something new.

Reaching Out

I'm finally doing it again. It's been a long time, but I'm doing it tomorrow. I'm stepping outside of the four wall of my home and I'm taking Christ to the people around me. Pretty much since we've lived in North Carolina, I've only been involved in outreach a few times. None of those things were repeat projects. All of them took place within the four walls of my church.

I've been growing restless for some time to do something. I've been very active in church, but I wanted to escape those four walls and see, and touch, and talk to the people I ministered to. I tried to come up with something for us to do as a family for the holidays, but most of the projects I came up with enabled other people to see, and touch, and talk to the ministry recipients. I suppose we could have gone to a soup kitchen, but that's really hard with small kids. So by the time the holidays were over, we had once again done very little to help our community.

I'm not very good at talking with people I don't know about the weather, let alone Jesus Christ. I knew a girl for whom it was so easy. For her talking to people about Jesus was just like breathing. I wish I could be like that, but it's just not me.

So my restlessness to do something has been increasing, and I struggle with striking up a conversation with people. I have been singing and praying lately for God to use me. It's what I trained for since I was a teenager. I've been reading Conspiracy of Kindness, by Steve Sjogren off and on since the fall (I tend to read several books at a time, so it takes me a long time to finish one). I feel like my contribution to the Kingdom has been very limited the last few years. I woke up around 2:30 Monday morning and started praying. I was just praying pretty generally, about church, reaching out, the lost, family, our place in the Kingdom... While I was praying God dropped it in my heart to take cookies to our neighbors to sow seeds of His love.

WOW! A light bulb went on that morning! So simple! I make some pretty darn good cookies, if I do say so myself, and I know how to make them so they are fairly healthy (or at least not as unhealthy), and still taste good. I had no plans at the time for this weekend, so I made a plan to do the deed on Saturday (tomorrow). I figured the kids and I could load up the wagon with bags of cookies and hand them out to our neighbors, telling them we simply want to show them the love of Christ. Shawn suggested that I check the weather forecast. Well, it's supposed to rain this weekend, so the wagon idea was out, but then I heard firetruck sirens for umpteenth time (the number is really beyond counting since we live about a quarter mile from a fire station). I realized that those guys deserve thanks and love, so I altered the plan a bit to drive around to the fire stations and police station in my town and deliver cookies to them. (If I hadn't been reading that book, I probably would have never thought of this. It's all about servant evangelism and how to use simple acts of service to share God's love with others.) I decided to put it on facebook and invite people to participate either by coming with us or at least by praying. I'm glad I did because the response was really encouraging, and I hope to inspire other people to do the same where they live...and now I'm obligated, so I can't think myself out of doing it.

Would I like to do more? Certainly, but at least I'm taking the first step. I hope to take cookies around to my immediate neighbors one weekend, and then wash a few cars in the neighborhood another weekend, and maybe mow lawns, or trim bushes, or help power wash and paint porches... I want to have a block party, too, this summer. I also want to help my friends do the same things in their neighborhoods.

But, most importantly, this is not about me. This is about Christ. This is about being His hands and feet and simply loving the people He loves. My friend did it through her conversation. I'll do it through my cookies. God only knows where this will lead.

Visiting Grandpa

I went to visit my grandpa Monday evening, the first evening of his admission into the nursing home. I have to admit that I procrastinated as long as I reasonably could, afraid of what I would find, nervous that I would be alone. I had originally planned to bring the whole family, but Shawn and I decided that if Grandpa was really out of sorts that it would not be good for the kids to be there. Mom, Grandma, my aunt, and my uncle had left just before lunch, and I got there around 5:00 that evening. I'm not sure what he did in the intervening hours, but I think he may have been looking for a way home. An orderly escorted me to Grandpa's wing and told me that he had been wondering when someone would come to see him. When I got to him he had his hat and jacket on, ready to leave. He was standing at the nurses' station, holding his drivers license in his hand trying to get someone to help him go home.

He was not agitated, but he was upset, confused, and disoriented. He didn't recognize me. This was the first time that he didn't know who I am. He seemed to think that I was someone who worked at the facility, and that I would be able to take him home. He kept telling me over and over that he needed to get home and he appreciated that I was taking the time to listen to him. I had to slowly redirect him. I got him to talk about his time in the Navy, his father, his uncle, and I read Psalm 23 to him. Through the course of the conversation he started to calm down. We talked about who I am, and how I am related to him. Then they brought in his dinner tray. Before he started eating I got him to take off his hat and jacket, but he never seemed to resign himself to the idea that the bed on which he sat was now his.

I read Psalm 119 to him while he ate. Several times he would stop eating to listen. He seemed to be deeply moved by the passages. He asked me to repeat a few of them. He told me several times that there was something so special about God's Word, that it moved him in a way no other book could. I got him to tell me about the time he gave his heart to Christ. One thing I forgot to mention the other day is that my grandfather is long-winded. :) But honestly, I had forgotten about that particular trait. He has remained mostly silent when we've been together for so long that I forgot how much he can talk about one topic. (Or should I say preach?) In the past it really didn't take much to get him rolling. There was a running joke in my family that the food would be cold by the time Grandpa got done saying the blessing. I remember squirming through many blessings, waiting for Grandpa to finish so I could eat. The other night he seemed to be exceptionally long-winded. He kept repeating the same thing over and over, forgetting what he had just told me. It was good to hear him talk for so long about something again. A trait that for years had been an annoyance has become a blessing.

He never did fully recognize me. He understood who I was, but that understanding seemed to be only on an intellectual level. Yet I was still very blessed by the visit that I had dreaded. It was very upsetting to see how he was when I first got there, and there were several times I had to choke down the tears, but by the end of the visit I was so thankful for the priceless time we'd had. The Holy Spirit was in that room, and the three of us had a wonderful time together. Before I left I asked him if I could pray with him. He said he would love it if I prayed with him. I prayed for his peace of mind as he transitioned into his new home, yet in my heart I was still rebelling against the thought of him staying there one night, let alone many. He just doesn't seem to belong there. That is not his home. The people there are not his family. But I know that as hard as it is, it is for everyone's best.

I may have been wrong when I said that the future meant spending less and less time with him. It may actually mean spending more and more time with him. I'd like to try to see him once a week and read the Word to him. I probably would have never taken the time to do that if he were still at  home. The relationship we have now is different, but in many ways it could become deeper, richer. As I was getting ready to leave he told me that he would keep me right in there as he pointed to his head. He said he would think about me all week. I hope he can.

Grandpa's Moving Day

Today is a tough day for my family, and we would really appreciate your prayers. On one side of the family my father-in-law is having knee replacement surgery today. On my side of the family, my grandfather is being put into a nursing home. It is my grandfather that I want to talk about today.

My grandfather has Alzheimer's/dementia. We have watched him deteriorate for several years now. It's like watching someone die, one memory, one character trait at a time. Before the onset of dementia, my grandfather was a strong, opinionated, stubborn, witty, funny man. He had, and still has, a strong faith that runs deep and influenced every choice he ever made. He isn't overly affectionate, but you know he loves you by the way his eyes light up when he sees you. From my memories, his great delight was his grandchildren, of which I was the first. He loved taking us for rides on the tractor, showing us the cows, or telling us stories of the gigantic snake that carved out the road the farm was on. My favorite part of that story was when the snake stopped by his house for a drink of water. He told us that story over and over again. Now when we get together as a family he mostly keeps to himself and stays quiet. Still at times he has amazing moments of clarity. At the last family reunion he told us about a rooster they once had that figured out how to jump up and knock food out of the bird feeder. He said, "That rooster was doing exactly what God designed it to do. He was taking care of his hens." I've been fortunate to have him only an hour's drive away most of my life so I've had many wonderful times with him.

The house he lived in was the house he grew up in. That house was as much a member of his family as my mother and grandmother. It was his constant worry and love. Not long after the onset of dementia he became extremely paranoid about the house -- that it would burn down or someone would break into it. He is leaving it today. Most likely he will never live there again.

Of course, the greatest love of his life, other than Christ, is my grandmother. He was a hard man to live with, even before he became demented, but she faithfully loved him through the years. She is more intimately acquainted with his deterioration than any of the rest of us. She has had to put up with all the daily difficulties of his disease, and she has done so with dignity and grace. Her devotion to him has been flawless. She is my hero. I cannot imagine being in her shoes, watching the love of you life diminish in that way, the man you invested your life in slowly dying. Her kids have given her several opportunities to take some time away from grandpa. I can only imagine the mixed emotions she must feel in those times - relief to be away, guilt for feeling that way, anxiety for his well-being when she is not with him. And his devotion to her is just as binding. She is his security, his comfort. One weekend recently they were staying with my parents. The aggressive tendencies brought on by the disease had gotten to the point that my mom and her siblings were no longer comfortable with the idea of grandma being alone with him for more than a few hours, especially at night when he is most restless. My dad and grandfather were sitting in the living room and my mother and grandmother were in the dining room. Had he known where to look he would have been able to see her through the doorway from where he was sitting. He asked my dad where she was, and dad said she is right over there. He then said, "I don't want to live if I have to live without Carol." My grandmother has said that she would rather the Lord take grandpa on to heaven than to have to put him in a home. Today they will be parted. She will be with him as often as she can, of course, but they will most likely never be together in the same way again.

My mom and her brother and sister have done what they can to help grandma and grandpa through this time. They have supported them as much as they can and helped figure out the details of his care. I know that today is a very difficult day for my mom and I'm sure it is for her brother and sister as well. They are all going to the home with grandma and grandpa to help with his transition, though I'm sure none of them want to be there. I can't imagine the turmoil of watching one of your parents disintegrate in this way. I think the hardest thing of this for my mom has been seeing his mental deterioration while his body continues to be strong and healthy. Unfortunately this fact has made the need to put him into a long-term care facility inevitable. His body refuses to quit, even at the age of 86, but his mind has not withstood the passage of time so well. It has now gotten to the point that his needs are beyond my family's abilities to care for. So the fateful day has now arrived. The future means spending less and less time with him, and going to visit him in the nursing home with the noxious smells, and unnerving sights and sounds. I have many memories of visiting great grandparents in nursing homes, few of them pleasant.

I wish we could have grandpa back, the way he was five or ten years ago. I wish his mind had stayed as keen and strong as his body. I wish he could have died with dignity at home. But that simply isn't the reality. I cry and I grieve. I will move on. This Thanksgiving I am so thankful for the times I have had with my grandpa, even the difficult ones. I'm grateful for the investment he has made in my life. I'm grateful for the legacy of faith, love, and perseverance that he has passed on. I hope my life can be a tribute to his legacy.

Be...

Fear is not as big as it looks,
Nor is it as frightening as it tries to appear.

God is bigger. God is safety.
God is Love!

Perfect love casts out all fear!
Go to God. Go to Love.
Go to Him.
Let Him love you. Let Him be in you.
Let Him be through you.

Rest.
Rest in Him. Rest through Him.
Let Him refresh you.
Rest.

Love.
Love in Him. Love through Him.
Love.

Do not fear.
Rest. Love.
Be.

The Faith of Hannah

"For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted my petition made to Him.Therefore I have given him to the Lord; as long as he lives he is given to the Lord. And they worshiped the Lord there. HANNAH PRAYED, and said, My heart exults and triumphs in the Lord..." (1 Sam 1:27-2:1a AMP, emphasis added)

As I was reading the Word this week, God took me to 1 Sam 1-2, the story of Hannah. I pray for faith like hers. Can you imagine leaving your child to be dedicated to God's service, the one you had prayed for, wept for, and desired for years, the one who ended your torment, the one you love with all your heart? She would only be able to see him once a year for the rest of her life. That fact must have torn her heart to pieces, yet she followed through with her promise, and she rejoiced! I was in tears as I was reading it. Such an amazing and powerful faith... a faith that can change the world!

The prayer she offered when she left Samuel with Eli (the most inept High Priest in Israel's history, by the way) was absolutely amazing and beautiful. She was so full of faith in that moment she even prophesied about King David and the Messiah. Here is the prayer in it's entirety:

¹HANNAH PRAYED, and said, My heart exults and triumphs in the Lord; my horn (my strength) is lifted up in the Lord. My mouth is no longer silent, for it is opened wide over my enemies, because I rejoice in Your salvation.

²There is none holy like the Lord, there is none besides You; there is no Rock like our God.

³Talk no more so very proudly; let not arrogance go forth from your mouth, for the Lord is a God of knowledge, and by Him actions are weighed.

⁴The bows of the mighty are broken, and those who stumbled are girded with strength.

⁵Those who were full have hired themselves out for bread, but those who were hungry have ceased to hunger. The barren has borne seven, but she who has many children languishes and is forlorn.

⁶The Lord slays and makes alive; He brings down to Sheol and raises up.

⁷The Lord makes poor and makes rich; He brings low and He lifts up.

⁸He raises up the poor out of the dust and lifts up the needy from the ash heap, to make them sit with nobles and inherit the throne of glory. For the pillars of the earth are the Lord's, and He has set the world upon them.

⁹He will guard the feet of His godly ones, but the wicked shall be silenced and perish in darkness; for by strength shall no man prevail.

¹⁰The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; against them will He thunder in heaven. The Lord will judge [all peoples] to the ends of the earth; and He will give strength to His king (King) and exalt the power of His anointed (Anointed His Christ). (1 Samuel 2:1-10 AMP)

I cannot even begin to imagine the struggle Hannah went through when the time to leave Samuel at Shiloh was approaching. Perhaps she had second thoughts. Perhaps she was tempted to break her vow to God (see 1 Sam 1:11). Those are the things that I would have struggled with had I been in her shoes, without the extenuating circumstances she had endured prior to conceiving Samuel (see 1 Sam 1:1-8). Honestly, I am not sure if I would have been able to go through with leaving my son at the tabernacle. But Hannah did go through with it, and her son became one of the greatest prophets in Israel's history. Because of Hannah's faith Samuel became a great man of God despite being brought up in Eli's household . Eli did not have the greatest track record with raising children. His sons were immoral and evil, even though they were priests (see 1 Sam 2:12-36), but Hannah's faith was able to supersede everything Samuel was exposed to. She had dedicated Samuel to God's service, and a true servant of God he was.

Hannah never forgot Samuel (not that any mother can truly forget her child). Each year she lovingly made a robe for him to wear. The time and expense that went into those garments would have been enormous, but each one was her way of showing Samuel how much she loved him. Her love for him endured and prevailed. She had other children, but Samuel would ever be her first-born.

What I Learned from Hachi

This post started out as a blurb I put on an email that I sent to a few people this morning, but after I hit "sent", God kept talking to my heart, so I decided to share it with a bigger audience. :)

Last night we saw the movie "Hachi: A Dog's Tale." (Spoiler alert!) Based on a true story, it's such an amazing tale of love and loyalty. The dog waited for his deceased owner for over nine years at the train station where he had waited for him everyday since he was a young dog, until he himself died at the train station.

God reminded me of Heb 13:5: "for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!]" (AMP) I love the emphasis in the Amplified! Obviously the dog didn't understand that his owner wasn't coming back. But, what God reminded me was that, like that dog, He is always there for us, in everything, in every situation, in the parts of our hearts that are warm, and at those parts of our hearts that we're still learning how to open. He is ALWAYS waiting to receive us with love, loyalty, and patience. He is always there to support us, and He will never relax His hold on us, not even to the smallest degree!

Okay, first off, for you parents out there, this really is a great family movie that could easily lend to a discussion of what it means to be loyal and patient. Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's get back to Heb 13:5b. At the risk of sounding like a Bible teacher, I want to break down this verse phrase by phrase because each phrase is so powerful!

So, here's the breakdown:
- "for He [God] Himself has said..." That means God said this. No one made it up for Him. He said it and He does not lie!

- "I will not in any way fail you..." He will not fail us in any way! Yes, obvious, but profound. We fail ourselves and each other constantly. In our finiteness and sinfulness (that we're learning to overcome) we mess up. Sometimes from one second to the next. But God will never ever fail us!

- "nor give you up..." No matter what we do or say or how deep our sinfulness, His infinite, powerful love is greater! He will not give up on us.

- "nor leave you without support..." He promised to give us the Holy Spirit as our guide and comforter, and He has placed us in a body and set us in families. No matter what we are facing we are not without support. We can turn to the people He has put in our lives, but when they fail us we can turn to Him. Even before they fail us, before we turn to them, we should turn to Him. He should ever be the One to whom we first turn. "I lift up my eyes to the hills..." (Ps 121). God, the Maker of heaven, earth, and all things good, the One who is always watching over us and never sleeps, that amazing God is our Helper!

- "[I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless..." As if a singular statement is not enough, here it is stated three times for emphasis. He absolutely will not, under any circumstances, to even the tiniest degree, leave us helpless. He will always walk beside us. He will always lift us up and carry us. He will daily feed and nurture us, encouraging our growth and maturity. He will ever guide us, love us, care for us. He will not leave us alone. This is how we know the Deists were wrong. God is not a great watchmaker who after creating the thing, winds it up and lets it run its course without his interference. That is a god who leaves us. That is not our God. This is the acid test. If someone presents to you a god who is willing to stand by and watch and not be involved in your life, then you know that god is not the one true God. Again, God is our Helper!

- "nor forsake..." So what does forsake mean, exactly? It's not really an everyday term. Well, according to Dictionary.com it means, "(1) to quit or leave entirely; abandon; desert; (2) to give up or renounce;" and to completely decline, deny, refuse. God is not going to do any of that. Remember the emphasis, ("[I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree...")? He is adamant. He simply won't do it!

- " nor let [you] down..." He will never be a disappointment to us. Now there may be time when we feel hurt or confused or disappointed, but He will never let us down. Remember this phrase also comes after the emphasis. Even when it feels like He has let us down, He hasn't let us down! There are lots of reasons why we may feel that God has let us down. To this day I still feel disappointed at times that I had three C-sections when my desire was for natural birth. But despite the enemy's best efforts to convince me otherwise (and believe me, at times he had me convinced) I know without a shadow of a doubt that God did not let me down. I still don't fully understand why things happened as they did. I know some of it was related to choices I made, some of it can be contributed to the fact that we live in a fallen world, and there's probably a dozen other contributing factors. Regardless I know that God did not let me down. He was there with me through it all. He felt my pain and held my heart. Even when I couldn't feel how near He was to me, He was there. Just because something feels true does not mean that it is true. I have realized that the more I dwell on the negative of a situation, the more likely I am to believe that God has let me down. There are times when He has to let us go through things that are difficult. Recall that I said that He is daily encouraging our growth and maturity. Maturity does not take place in the absence of challenge. Just as there are times we have to let our kids struggle with something so they can master it, the same is true for us. Sometimes God has to let us struggle with things so that we can master them. There are also times when the greater good is at stake. What would have happened if God has rescued Jesus from the cross? You may be thinking, "Yeah, but He is God." Well, then what would have happened if John hadn't been exiled to Patmos. What would have happened if Daniel hadn't been taken into the king's service in Babylon? What would have happened if Joseph hadn't been taken into captivity in Egypt or Moses hadn't been exiled to the wilderness? And of course, there are countless other examples that prove my point. Adverse circumstances are the fertile fields into which God's glory is planted and eventually revealed. Tertullian said, "the blood of the martyrs is the seed of the church." The fact is we do live in a fallen world. Bad things will happen. The world will let us down. People will let us down. But God will not, will not, will not in any degree let us down.

- "nor...(relax My hold on you)!..." He will always hold us tightly, close to His heart. He values us. He treasures us. Where your treasure is, there is your heart. That's as true for God as it is for us. He treasures us, so He makes His home in our hearts. (Eph 3:17) He will not relax His hold. Another thing, this is the final phrase after the emphasis, and the sentence ends with an explanation point--even more emphasis! It's not often that you see an explanation point in the Bible. I think God really wanted to drive home just how deeply He meant His promise that He won't leave us. He will always be with us. He always has room for us.

Hachi and Parker (Hachi's owner) had a regular meeting place where they met everyday. Hachi was waiting there for Parker. So, where is your meeting place with God? He is waiting for you there. Go to Him!

Psalm 121 (AMP)

A song of ascents.

¹ I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

² My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Ephesians 3:17 (AMP)

May Christ through your faith [actually] dwell (settle down, abide, make His permanent home) in your hearts! May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love, (Take the time to carefully read Eph 3:16-21 in the Amplified. It will blow you away!)